The Ultimate Fangirl

Having An Identity Crisis

There comes a time in our lives where we have to choose what way we’re headed. Some of us are lucky enough to know where they are headed right from the start, while certain people get these kinds of breakdowns once in a while for choosing the wrong path.

No Chandler Bing gifs for this one. I just want to let it all out without any pictures so as to get any points that I will make to be clear.

I did not want to become someone who works in I.T. I never liked coding or finding the right algorithm for a certain thing. I wanted to be something else. Yet the brighter and shinier light of choosing I.T is that I can get to live practical if ever I land on a job. The pay will be good and I could easily earn for what ever plan I want to do. That’s what my parents told me. I could not do anything because they are the people who will pay for my fees. When I try to protest about wanting to study something else, they keep on asking me on what job I will get from the field that I want. I don’t know what the job is called so I never said a word back. And it always ends up back to square one. Me being miserable while I try to create a program that in the end will never work.

I want to study film and become a director admired by all ages.

I want to study history to become a renowned historian who is critically acclaimed to have found missing key pieces in our history.

I want to travel and see the world.

I want to write and become an author.

Now is I.T part of that dream? No. To be honest, I don’t know where I would go once I graduate from it. If my parents can see my future on that course, well I don’t. It is similar to the feeling of looking into darkness. I don’t picture anything. And I will just be sucked into this hollow void trying to prove myself to them on a field that I never wanted to study in the first place. Worst part is that I have to get a scholarship. Yet how can I get one if I DON’T EVEN LIKE WHAT I AM STUDYING?

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I guess that’s enough rambling. I just wanted to get it off my chest. It’s been stuck in there since I started college. It’s my 2nd year now. And I don’t think they would want to change their minds.

21 responses to “Having An Identity Crisis”

  1. fiddlerblue Avatar
    fiddlerblue

    I’m sorry you seem to be having a really tough time with this. I had several friends back in college who felt just like you do. My course was occupational therapy, and it’s usually a stepping stone towards medicine. My college friends were forced by their parents to take it since 1) $$$ 2) it’s a good option in case they don’t finish medicine, and 3) the demand for it was really high. My best friend was so good with programming but her mum wants her to be a doctor. She finished our course, passed the board exam, tried working for a summer, then decided it’s just not her, so she applied for a job in Convergys and went on to work for them, studying and working at the same time. Since her parents paid for her education, she gave them what they wanted. But when she finished, she didn’t let anyone stop her from doing what she wanted.
    I also supervised a lot of interns who were still unsure if they actually wanted to do our job for a living, oftentimes because they were just forced to do it. Most of them eventually learned to love and appreciate what we do, but some of them graduated and went on to pursue something else. I realized from talking to people about this issue is that if you are really meant for something, then sooner or later you will find yourself on the path that will take you there.
    I’m not sure if I was even able to help you here, but good luck and I hope you find a way to achieve your dreams and not be guilty of letting your parents down 🙂

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  2. impossiblegirl123 Avatar
    impossiblegirl123

    Have you really sat down with your parents and explained to them why you don’t like IT. I am sure they don’t want to see you miserable for the rest of your life.
    I get that they want a job with stability for you. My dad still isn’t really that happy that I chose to study film production. My mom however always knew that I was not going to have a desk job and supported me. Is there maybe one of your parents who’s more easily convinced and who you can get on your side?
    This is super hard and I am sorry that I can’t really help you. If you do end up talking to them, make sure to really know what you want. I know that it’s difficult, because I sometimes still don’t know what I want, but you need to be confident about it when talking to them. Explain exactly what you want to do and what job opportunities might be available after the studies. In the end, this shouldn’t be about money.

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    1. Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl Avatar
      Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl

      We already had “the talk”. My mom and I even tried to go the uni here where they offered film. But I didn’t get a slot because they were super picky with transferees. It convinced them that I should pursue IT. I guess I have to at least try to be excellent at it.

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      1. impossiblegirl123 Avatar
        impossiblegirl123

        I was lucky to get into my school, because they only take 40 students per year. There were a ton of people who only got in at their second or third try. Things like that often don’t come easy.
        However, if time allows it next to your studies, what I would suggest now is that you try to befriend a crowd who’s either going to the film school or people who are already working in the film business. Do you maybe already know someone through other friends School message boards may also help. From what I remember, these guys always need help with their film projects. There is no easy way to get into the business, so you would probably have to start out as a runner and work your way up to 3rd, 2nd and 1st Assistant Director and so on. Contacts is everything and once you have a foot in you are likely to get offered a job again.
        That may not be the path your parents have envisioned for you, but they can’t choose your job for you. You don’t need film school to become a director!
        http://flavorwire.com/412974/famous-directors-who-never-went-to-film-school

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        1. Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl Avatar
          Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl

          Thanks for the tips, Kath. I will surely take it to heart. And of course I won’t stop until I achieve my dreams. ♡

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          1. impossiblegirl123 Avatar
            impossiblegirl123

            You’re welcome! I’m sorry I couldn’t really give you any more insight or help.

            Just know, I whole-heartedly support you in your dreams 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

          2. Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl Avatar
            Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl

            It’s okay. I get technical film terms hahaha. And I to you. May you excel more in film production. 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

          3. impossiblegirl123 Avatar
            impossiblegirl123

            Thanks 🙂 I am pursuing the TV market a little more now with focus on casting and marketing. Things change all the time hahaha

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Bookmarker Avatar
    Bookmarker

    I just graduated college and I’m going to share some of my observations with you. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do until about my second year of college, and then I COMPLETELY changed my major. From equestrian science (horses) to accounting. I will tell you, it doesn’t matter what your parents say, if you are not in a job that you are able to be moderately content at on a daily basis, no matter what the pay is, you will be miserable for the rest of your life. And your parents want the best for you, so maybe you can try and make them understand what that course would be doing to you.

    You can make all the money in the world, but if you don’t like your career path you will have no motivation whatsoever to try. And if you don’t try, what’s the point of working so hard to get a “good” job?

    I understand that you can’t change it because your parents are paying for it. If you really, seriously, 100% can commit yourself to the fact that you will be miserable for the rest of your life if you follow this job path, then tell your parents that you will pay for it yourself. It can be done I promise you. It can be done without ruining your life with debt. It can. My bf is doing it right now and he even has a Master’s degree. He is doing well because he tries and he is enthusiastic about his job, and works to impress his bosses. It is not easy to pay back student loans, but what is money to a life of misery? Money is money. Yes you need to have a stable financial position, but there are plenty of ways to do that… (blogging is one of them for some people!)

    Money and things are here to stay, we are not. You can’t take it with you when you go, and you never know when you’re going to go. Live your life for you.

    I don’t know if that helped, I have just seen a lot of students in your position and the happiest people are the ones that did what I just said or convinced their parents to change their minds. Either way, don’t give up even if it sucks, because you will find a way to make your life work for you. I know someone with a marketing degree that is a stock trader on wall street. Two very different things. A major is just a major, it isn’t the be-all end-all of your career.

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    1. Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl Avatar
      Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl

      As much as I want to pay for my own studies, I am still not capable enough to do it. And there’s still a rather different matter of my country’s limited number of universities that offer these courses so it’s a rather hard transition, which I think my parents are trying to say. Thank you for the comfort and the wisdom that you have imparted. I hope that maybe someday I could put two different worlds in the same path.

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  4. tanazmasaba Avatar
    tanazmasaba

    This post is a little too close to home for comfort. I can understand exactly what you’re going through because I am going through it too. I am studying business because my father thought that in an unstable economy as ours this would be the one subject that can gurantee me a well providing job. Also I think he’s trying to achieve his own dreams through me. Regardless I can’t help but think how stupid his logic is cause almost everyone I know are studying business. How am I–an average student–going to survive in the competetion.

    I wanted to study biology. I still cannot say exactly if I wanted to become a doctor or a surgeon but I loved biology so much that anything related to it would mesmerize me. But honestly? But my parents thought that studying subjects like these would be too expensive. So I had to make a choice.

    I wish I had some advice for you but I don’t so I can tell you what I’m doing. I’m still studying biology whenever I can. I’m researching what subject in the field of business/commerce will interest me. I’m applying to my father’s choice of colleges but the final decision will be up to me. And no matter how busybor stressful my life gets I’m going to continue studying biology and writing on the sidelines because those are my passions and I am not giving them up. Not even for my family.

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    1. Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl Avatar
      Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl

      Thanks for the wonderful thought Tanaz. I appreciate it. However in my case, technology is a course that practically dislikes every other subject matter. It is like two conflicting forces of nature that will blow down if you choose either one.

      I guess I will just finish what they started. And when I do, I will not let them have a say on what I want to study because they had their way now. But until then, I will just have to try and sneak in pieces of history and film in whatever thing I’m studying now. Too bad I just can’t do it when I am programming. But oh well.

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      1. tanazmasaba Avatar
        tanazmasaba

        Exactly. I’m luckier cause there are a lot of options in business but IT is pretty limited in that way. You have a hard time ahead of you, Bianca. Stay strong and whatever you do, do it well. Don’t ever give up. If you need someone to lean on I’m here.

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        1. Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl Avatar
          Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl

          I appreciate the sentiments. ❤ And you've cheered me up well already. I can't thank you enough.

          Liked by 1 person

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  5. hermionefowl Avatar
    hermionefowl

    Is it too late to change what you’re studying? Because maybe if you did enough research you could convince your parents that what you want will also help you. Your happiness comes above everything else, even what your parents. Although, of course I don’t know what it’s like to be in your shoes. Good luck, and if you ever want to vent more I am always here 🙂

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    1. Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl Avatar
      Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl

      I can’t change it because my parents pay for my studies… All this blogging and researching is all done in secrecy.

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      1. hermionefowl Avatar
        hermionefowl

        Could you stop studying completely, and work until you can afford to study what you want? I mean, the job won’t be great, but it’s better than being miserable forever, right?

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        1. Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl Avatar
          Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl

          I can’t do that either. Lose-lose situation :3

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          1. hermionefowl Avatar
            hermionefowl

            That sucks 😦

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          2. Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl Avatar
            Bianca @ Ultimate Fangirl

            I know. But I got to let them win. After I do this, I’ll just pursue stuff on my own. Hopefully.

            Liked by 1 person

          3. hermionefowl Avatar
            hermionefowl

            Again, good luck with everything ♥

            Liked by 1 person

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